She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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