the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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