Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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