I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
