My Higher Power is John Stamos
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
