If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize