I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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