I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
