I puked a lego.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
