i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
