you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize