a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
