apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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