I haven't been this sober since birth.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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