you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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