I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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