When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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