She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
