Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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