I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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