My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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