Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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