Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
