I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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