It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize