Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We had to coat check the pizza.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
