he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Randomize