Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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