Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
