dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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