I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
