I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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