she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
