when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
