i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
