wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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