Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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