Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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