No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
