I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
