P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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