3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
