I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
