Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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