My sheets look like a crime scene.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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