Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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