Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
