the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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