Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
