thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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