I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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