Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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