the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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