youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
