i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
