Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
