i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
