I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
