We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
