Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize